Bake a Cake' in Gotham
by millennium-night
Summary: What happens when Gotham's worst comes together in a baking competition?


_This was based on a weird dream I had, so please don't take it too seriously XD_

_Oh, and I don't own any of the characters :)  
_

* * *

Scarecrow was obviously quite happy, for it was humming the melody of Tetris. Unfortunately, Jonathan was not. He murmured several curses and kept glaring at the digustingly delighted grin to his right. "I'll kill you for that, Jervis," he said coldly for the millionth time this afternoon.

"I know, you've mentioned it before," the small blond answered and his grin became even bigger while Jonathan tried to repress his growing fury.

_"Stop it!,"_ he snapped at his alter ego in his head as the singing started to seriously get on his nerves, but the only answer he received was a mocking giggle before the humming sounded again.

He felt the strong urge to punch something, preferably in certain smiling face, but instead his hand grabbed an egg, cracked it and let its contents fall into the big _pink _bowl standing in front of him. "_These damn mind control cards!,"_ he thought. He felt the hard metal of one of them on his head between his auburn strands of hair.

"Now, now, Jonny! You would'nt want to ruin the cake, would you?" The teasing tone in the Hatter's voice was not to miss hearing. "I won't let you go until you have finished our cake, so follow the other's example and try to enjoy it!"

While his hands weighed out 500 grams of sugar - _"Yuck! Which human being is able to bear that much sugar?"_- he used his time to take a look around. Jervis controlled every single of his movements anyway, so it was not necessary for him to pay attention.

What happened in this huge kitchen was a more than weird sight: Almost every villain of Gotham's infamous Rogues Gallery had come to participate in this Bake-a-Cake contest - and, most oddly, all of them had come on their free will from what he could see. Except for him. All he remembered was having had breakfast in the early morning. The doorbell had rung. It had been Jervis who had - despite his heavy protest - invited himself to join him. The next moment he had been standing in this kitchen, in front of this big pink bowl.

Who had arranged this in the first place? What had caused all these dangerous men and women to form teams of two and actually _bake a cake_! Just at that moment he saw Man Bat being thrown through the large kitchen and smashing into the opposite wall.

"Croc! I told you I didn't take your flour, you oversized lizard!," he growled. The eager fight following these events did not interest Jonathan and he concentrated his attention on the Joker and Harley Quinn who seemed to be a lovely kitchen-couple. Appearantly, they were more in love than ever as they were constantly making compliments to each other, using sweet terms of endearmet. _"How pathetic," _he thought. Harley should know best by now that her _'Puddin' _was a ticking time bomb and could go berserk anytime, but it was usually better for your health not to tell her that.

A sharp pain in his finger interrupted his thoughts and drew his attention back to his (or rather the Hatter's) work. "Ouch! Jervis! You made me cut myself with this stupid knife!" he snapped at the smaller man beside him who currently was not even looking.

Jervis immediately turned around. "Oh, dear! I'm sorry, Jon! I was deep in conversation with Eddie." He stepped aside and revealed a grinning Edward Nigma who held a mixer in his hand. Fresh - and obviously way too liquid - dough dripped from its beaters.

"Heya, Jonny! It's been a while since we met last. How are you?" The Riddler was in jovial mood.

The slim, auburn haired man only grumbled which was answer enough for the King of Conundrums.

"You look a little occupied, eh?" He simply ignored Jon's missing reaction and continued: "So riddle me this: The servant's is red, the king's is blue, and you might discover how much it's true that you need it as badly as everyone, but you can't even miss it when it's gone. What is it?" His eyes lit up in expectation.

"Oh, that's a difficult one. Can you figure it out, Jonathan?" The Hatter tried to find the answer enthusiastically.

"Listen, Nigma. I'm not in the mood for your riddles now," the Master of Fear said unnerved, thus spoiling his blond friend's excitement.

"Are you sure you don't even wanna give it a try? It's one of my latest riddles." Edward looked disappointed. "Fine," he sighed, "it's blood."

"What?"

"Blood. The answer. You're bleeding, Jonathan." He pointed at Crane's hands with the mixer, spilling even more wet dough on the working top.

"Oh...!" Jon looked down at his fingers to find that the Riddler was right. He was about to say something when they heard a distant female voice sound through the kitchen:

"Nigma! Move your freakin' *** over here and help me chop the hazelnuts!"

The sharp tone made Edward cringe. "I'm coming, Selina, sweetheart!" he shouted back in the most charming way.

"Call me that again and I'll scratch your face!" came the prompt answer.

The Riddler smiled and shrugged in excuse, which meant as much as 'Women, you know them...', before he disappeared between the busy rogues.

Jonathan coughed slightly. "Excuse me, but since my brain has currently no control over my limbs, would you be so kind to take care of my finger, Jervis? Unless you like your food bloody, of course." the sarcasm in his voice was not to miss hearing.

"We're almost done yet, so I think I can safely release you now," the Mad Hatter mused and shortly after the taller man was actually able to move on his own will again.

"How extraordinarily generous of you, my friend," the latter said and patched himself up while giving Jervis an angry glare. "Besides," he continued accusingly, "what do we need a knife for? You told me we were going to make a simple chocolate cake!"

"Oh, well, ...that would have been so simple, you know, and ... we want to win this, don't we? So ... I thought we could try something with fruit instead." The blond ducked, preparing for his friend's probably unpleasant reaction. When nothing happened, he added in order to protect his idea, "It'd taste much more interesting and - most of all - it wouldn't be so dry. Poison Ivy used a lot of fruit, too."

_"What, no chocolate cake?" _the Scarecrow howled with disappointment in Jonathan's head. A more than understandable reaction, he thought since he was not happy, either. "That's because she is making a fruit salad, genius," he remarked aloud.

"Oh." Embarrassment spread across the smaller man's face and caused him to blush.

"Whatever, let's just put this thing into an oven, or at least find Firefly to roast it."

"Attention, please!" the Joker interrupted by shouting through a megaphone. His sidekick Harley had wrapped her arms around him - as always - and squeaked in admiration for her lover. The clown continued as soon as he had assured himself that everyone was listening, "I just intend to inform you about the state of our personal little cake project. It's currently being heated up in a nice remote oven here," he cooed, "so let me tell you that we'll win this competition anyway, because the taste of our sweet creation will literally blow you away, if you know what I mean. Bye-bye!" With this, the two of them disappeared, laughing crazily.

Nothing moved until someone shouted, "Holy crap - the clown freak put a bomb in one of the ovens!" Then chaos spread very quickly as all villains dashed out of the building at once, including Scarecrow and the Mad Hatter.

_"Great," _the former thought ironically. "You know, I still can't figure out why we were doing this in the first place. What's the use?" he asked while running for his life.

"That's easy," the latter replied, "according to rumours, someone defeated the Bat and tied him up like an unbirthday present. This cake competition was supposed to decide who should get him."

"Why didn't you tell me before? That's indeed a prize worth baking for!" Jonathan suddenly regretted having shown so little enthusiasm. "But who came up with such a weird idea?"

"I have no clue. Do you think the Bat'll survive the explosion?"

"Most certainly, he always does."

"True, true..."

...

And so the Bake-a-Cake competition ended with a big 'BOOOM!'.

* * *

Thanks to a schoolmate for telling me the Tetris joke.


End file.
